The Musings of a Madman

Whether you’ve stumbled upon this site intentionally or by pure accident, welcome.

First and foremost, my initial intentions here are personal: to find a channel to express my inner monologues, rants and raves. Whether that grows into something more substantial and enjoyable to read, we’ll see. A personal website is an idea I’ve toyed with on multiple occasions before but only now, near my lowest of lows, have I put it into effect.

I was “diagnosed” with depression some 12 or so years ago but, as with any mental illness, it’s not something that can be diagnosed based on an x-ray, scan or physical appearance. People can try to understand or empathise in what is, ultimately, an impossibility. And it is there where the crux of the problem is for me to able to share. Over the years I’ve visited 4 different therapists and all sessions ended with little progress because of my inability to open up.

My brain is not empty of thought, quite the opposite. There are so many experiences and feelings swirling around in my mind at any one time that I’m unable to process which need to present themselves at the forefront. Often, I’m left speechless. Sometimes the one thing I really wish to bring up is simply too embarrassing or traumatic.

As an anxiety sufferer, the fear of being judged is all too real. I can always feel eyes on me, burning away in the back of my skull, causing an uncomfortable sweat. For as long as I can remember in my youth, from being an intelligent teacher’s pet to unsuccessful courting attempts to the outsider without a social life, I just wanted to feel “normal” and be accepted. So perhaps feeling exposed and vulnerable in front of this stranger, even if their sole purpose is to help, is expected.

Imposter syndrome is something that resonates hard, though I feel like an imposter in every scenario of life; an alien expecting the human disguise to slip off at any minute. My brain’s on a different wavelength, the little joys in life unfathomable as I go through delusions of grandeur in a mythical subconscious tale before I come crashing back to earth.

Some people don’t question life’s purpose or if there’s more to our existence, they live in ignorance. Not out of stupidity but because we have no answer. They make the best of the one life they perceive to have. Others look to faith for answers and hope an afterlife is the nirvana they crave. Media has touched on other stories: the digital matrix, the fake world built solely around you, a time-stopping dream world within a dream world. 

Me? As much as I’d love this journey to be the “hell” or purgatory before ascending to heaven, the world’s disasters and injustices are too powerful to turn a blind eye to. But even if there is nothingness when we pass, I am at peace with it, and my spiralling thoughts can no longer haunt me.

Hopefully in the future I’ll have more focused, coherent topics, but this was just an introductory Band-Aid I urgently needed to rip off.