When you’re having one of those days, where you can’t face the world and your pedometer wouldn’t even reach three figures, your mind starts to wander.
The future is filled with lots of grey and black so you have no choice but to look back. Looking back at life choices, thinking back to the biggest crossroads of your journey, and wondering how things would be different if only you’d gone left instead of right, said yes instead of no. The daunting question that eats away at you: what if?
It’s the equivalent of waking up at 3am and, for absolutely no reason, remembering some embarrassing incident from 15 years ago. But constantly.
It’s all in vain, deepening the unproductive slump instead of providing a much needed jolt of inspiration. So why does it happen? Are the blank pages of the future that much scarier than the past’s definitive chapters? For me, it’s rooted in self-loathing. Remembering the bad decisions to deny any blossoming happiness and pile on the misery. I’ve known of many people who have self-harmed physically but it’s something I’ve never done myself. All my self-harm is mental as the internal scarring is easier to ‘hide’.
How can it improve? I’ve lived in the same area my entire life and everywhere I look, I’m reminded of the past. The streets I walk, the stores I frequent, the people I see (and do my best to avoid). It’s impossible for me to let go and perhaps the only course of action is a fresh start. But without the money or connections, that too becomes a colossal hurdle. It seems that finding the courage to take the next step is the only way I can heal.
If this topic resonates, here are some articles that may be of interest:
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-tips-let-go-of-the-past-so-it-wont-anchor-you-dow/
https://kathycaprino.com/2018/11/why-chronically-talking-about-your-past-will-keep-you-stuck-in-it/
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/the-only-5-reasons-you-should-ever-look-back-on-life/